For the past two weeks, I have been feeling extremely vulnerable, to the extent that I ended up being an emotional eater and ended up eating all kinds of sweets from our nearby bakery and a sweet shop, ordered consecutively every single day. 

But what brought me here?

 My house was undergoing major renovation work, including the kitchen, which then made me more dependent on outside food, and the workspace confined to my laptop in my lap working on an intermittent basis.

Make a note – Our environment plays a pivotal role in the way we think and behave, including what we consume and the way we work. 

I found myself amidst the renovation work chaos, most of my time spent was eating what was ordered online or on social media, sharing my anger and helplessness with all others on the ongoing conflict between Israel and Palestine.

If you happen to

Find yourself completely derailed from your daily routine, take a pause and observe the environment you are operating in, which could hold answers to any present derailment you experience.

What happened next?

The constant feed on social media, on the ongoing conflict, between Israel and Palestine, which included the most horrific images, opinions, thoughts, perspectives, laced with hatred, and most with cry for help, consumed my entire day.

The next trigger, immediately happened as the consumption of this information skyrocketed, and I was now operating from a space of helplessness and deep grief

I cried inconsolably and prayed hard but could not let go of the helplessness that enveloped me.

My emotions of helplessness took me

   back in my world of grief and loss, to my traumatic experiences of life, one thought led to another, and I was reminded of my failures, the times I was betrayed, and the times I was wronged by my very own, everything came alive, and I was reliving every wound, I thought I had already healed.

Make a note: Our brain cannot differentiate between the real and the imaginary, and when we remain enmeshed in our own stories, we also end up reliving the suffering once again, impacting the healing that has taken place.

Result ?

When operating out of this space, there was a major shift in my behavior, I became filled with bitterness and resentment, and my behavior was rude and uncouth, I would use my ill manners more with people who I knew could do me little harm, so my domestic help, driver and my mother became the victim of my triggered trauma, rest was social media, where my responses were equally harsh and rude.

I wanted to give back, and when I could not do it (read feeling helpless) I would be back in my cycle of stress.

then,

Something inside me shifted

I took a pause and the inside me said to practice self-reflection, a method, which I often teach my clients, because the authentic me, hated myself more than ever for the way I’ve become and was behaving. 

It gave me answers I was not willing to listen to, but I stay committed ,persevered and found that the person who was behaving this way was deprived of self-compassion, more than anyone, it was ” I ” in need of kindness and compassion, a key element to managing the triggers and the trauma that has surfaced up, and unless the mature “me”, will step up and exercise self-compassion, to the vulnerable “me”, I may remain derailed from my true nature.

The moment of truth was; “We cannot offer, other, any of what we don’t possess.

So,

If you ever find yourself, finding it difficult or trying hard, to be kind, polite, or sensible to others, pause and self-reflect, and ask yourself

What do you need the most? and try to hold space for your own self.

The wounded me was in need of acceptance, and kindness, a simple self-talk directed towards myself, saying “It’s okay my friend” the world within me and outside, found its peace.

Intention : of sharing this piece from life is to let you all know, regardless of the training, expertise or awareness, of a Life Coach or a Cognitive Behavior Therapist, with our shared humanity, we are all in it together! both the suffering and the healing.

Thank you for your time and attention to this post.
Mehnaz Amjad